We regret to inform all our friends and family that effective immediately, Santa Claus will no longer serve your home states on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, his contract was not recognized this year by the North American Fairy's and Elves Local 2012. As part of the new and better contract he is wanting to get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However I'm sure your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be his third cousin, Bubba James Claus. His side of the family is from the side of the West Pole. He shares Santa's goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however there are a few differences between them:
- 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba James Claus because he has a gun rack on his chuck wagon and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba James Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds or a moon pie near the fireplace. And also note that Bubba James Claus does not drink sugar free!
- 3. Bubba James Claus's Chuck Wagon is pulled by his faithful Roping Horse instead of that reindeer with the cold. Santa made the mistake of loaning him a couple of his reindeer one time and Blitzen's horns were ground off and a fake mane and tail were glued on him.
- 4. You wont hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, nor Blitzen" when Bubba James Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear,"Giddy up Brick (that's his roping horse name), times a waisting!"
- 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You are also likely to hear Bubba James Claus's elves respond, "I heard dat!'
- 6. As required by our US highway laws, Bubba James Claus' Chuck Wagon does have a safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".
- 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Like" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead you'll see "The PRCA Rodeo Finals" and "Team Ropings" all through the month of December. Also I need to worn you that Bubba James Claus doesn't wear a belt so if I were yall I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under your hay stack.
So yall be good now, ya hear. Santa Claus may have "Elf on the Shelve" to watch for him, but Bubba James Claus has a new App on his iPhone called, "I Saw That!"